Naked Truth: What It Feels Like To Be The Gainer In A Relationship
By admin
It’s been awhile since we got all personal up in here, I think we’re overdue for a heart to heart.
Last week, a friend and I were having “girl talk” and she confided in me that her man had put on 20 pounds over the past few months.
When I asked how, she gave two main reasons…
→ It was because he was cooking dinner at night but eating two servings. He would eat when he was hungry and then because he didn’t want her eating alone, would eat again when she got home from work.
→ On top of heavy meals, alcohol was also playing a role. After a steamy day at work, he walks into the house and pops a cold one. Since they aren’t having to drive back and forth to each other’s house any longer, it’s easier to drink without having to worry about driving.
It’s not that he has a drinking problem (at all, I know him!) but having a cold beer or two at the end of the day adds up when you do it every day.
So extra food calories + extra beer calories = 20 extra pounds.
Being The Heavy Spouse
I’ve been in his place. Ready for some throw back pictures?
When Dan and I first started dating, I was thin. Not toned, not crazy fit, but thin.
As our relationship progressed and we hung out more (date nights of eating and drinking), my thinness filled out a bit.
To be honest, I never realized it while it was happening.
Until I saw this picture…
Yes, I realize I wasn’t large (this was still 25 lb lighter than at my heaviest) But all of my tone was gone and I was becoming rounder and softer.
My thin, fit boyfriend looking so handsome and me, his date, 10+ pounds heavier than when we started dating.
What people don’t realize is that the significant other that gains the weight, feels it.
It sucks.
It’s not as if we say to ourselves, “okay, you love me for who I am, I can let myself go.”
Not at all. Even now, 10 years later, I have no idea how it happened. Except I was young, learning to live on my own, and clueless about what I thought was healthy and what really was healthy.
Dan and I have ALWAYS had an honest relationship, sometimes I think a bit too honest. Our honesty can sometimes sting but it’s from a good place.
Man, we were young!
I remember driving home from the beach, probably 8 years ago (not long before or after the picture above) and making the comment,
“I wonder if people look at us as if we’re equally attractive and fit, or do you think they think one of us is more fit than the other?”
Something like that.
His response, stung… bad.
He kind of chuckled and thought his response wasn’t harsh and his words chosen carefully, it was clear he thought that he looked much more fit and svelte than I was.
I’ve mentioned this moment to Dan several times, he doesn’t remember it at all (typical man). But I remember it. I’ll always remember it.
It was that moment where I had my “I have to make a change” epiphany.
It was then that I decided that I didn’t want us to be a couple where people wondered why he was with me. Or where they said, “Wow Dan looks so fit! What happened to Kindal Taylor?”
Being a woman, I wanted people to think that Dan was the lucky one. Haha.
But it was more than that… I wanted Dan to think he was the lucky one. Just like I think I’m lucky to have a guy that cares about his body and his health. And I wanted myself to be confident every time we were together.
It didn’t take long for my fitness to progress and my nutrition education to improve. What we thought was healthy, was not. We learned to eat WHOLE foods, real foods. I learned about macro-nutrients and hydration.
Wow, I can’t believe this picture was over 4 years ago!
And after a few months, I was able to stand next to Dan with confidence. Knowing, not just thinking, but KNOWING that I was equal to him.
Being The More Fit Spouse
What about the other person? What if you have seen your spouse slowly (or quickly) piling on the pounds?
Of course you love them for who they are.
But I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s selfish or cruel to think you want to see them at their healthy state. Their body is what initially pulled you in, and though it’s their heart and mind that kept you around, it’s not a bad thing to want to their body to remain healthy.
Yes?
That’s why I wanted to get fit for Dan. I know he loves me, but I love him enough to take care of myself.
The question is… what should you (the fit one) do?
Ignore the weight, and allow the pattern to continue? Or say something?
Anytime weight or body image is on the table, it’s a sensitive subject. You have to think of the right way to approach it.
Ways To Approach Your Significant Other
The Blunt Approach
Dan and I have always had an honest relationship, so we’re allowed to be blunt… even if that means our feelings may be hurt. ← This doesn’t mean we don’t get upset, but in the long run it works for us and I’m grateful for the truth. Even if at first it sucks.
But not everyone is so brutally honest, and that’s understandable. Some topics are like walking on eggshells.
The Sly Approach
For those couples, it’s better to do a “joint challenge”.
Talk with your signifant other about way you can move TOGETHER. Go for a jog after dinner, kick off your Saturdays with a hike on nearby trails. Make it a tradition.
Then plan meals together. Start packing lunches together, show your guy you love him by making him a breakfast smoothie, and work on having wholesome, healthy meals for lunch. Basically, you’re kicking off a fitness and nutrition overhaul without being so blunt and obvious.
Slide things in. Be sly.
Acknowledge Success
If you see your significant other making efforts to move more, eat better… show you notice. Tell them!
Reinforce it!
Noticed their waist is looking a bit more trim? Celebrate… I won’t give suggestions but tell them you see the difference and how proud you are!
Be the motivator they need.
Remember, this fitness and nutrition thing might be second nature to you but not to them.
Be Supportive Without Nagging
If your guy drinks a beer, so what. It doesn’t mean they are falling off the wagon and giving up.
So what if they eat a piece of pizza.
If you nag them about every choice they make, you’re going to break them down, have their confidence drop and they’ll give up.
Relax, and let them find what works best. Remember, everything is fine in moderation. Your job isn’t to be a food nazi but to be an inspiration and motivator.
But, then again…
Don’t Be An Enabler
You might be able to eat whatever you want and still have a 6-pack.
Uh hum… my husband.
But your spouse can’t. Uh hum…. me.
If you know your significant other is really trying to make changes don’t suggest going to get ice cream or ordering take out.
That might mean you have to make sacrifices too, do it.
With my clients, this is the hardest element. Too often, the ladies have a hard time because their husbands want them to drink, eat and be merry.
Support your significant other by not bringing tempting food into the house or snacking right beside them with cookies and crap.
The Couple That Sweats Together…
… Stays more satisfied together.
A study published in 2000 found that couples that completed fitness activities together felt more secure and happier with their relationships and more in love with their partners.
I can agree, immediately after finishing a race with Dan, I simply can’t keep my eyes off him. There is just something sexy about him at a finish line! TMI? We’re all girlfriends here!
… Works out harder.
Studies show that people that workout in groups workout more intensely than solo. Grab your partner and hit the gym. You’ll be more efficient and likely push yourself harder too!
… Turns each other on more.
Exercise causes the heart to beat faster, hands to sweat, and breathing to be increased. Yes? All of these are the same symptoms of arousal. Which when working out can get your partner turned on.
I know many couples where one loves fitness and the other doesn’t. It works for them.